PTSD, depression, anxiety, they are all different disorders, but they all have something in common. A feeling of isolation that you are alone in your fight. If you have never personally experienced this feeling, then you can not truly understand it. This is the closest I can get to describing that loneliness.
It is a feeling that the people who say they love you secretly hate you. That you are to much of a burden on them. That all of your friends are laughing at you behind your back. That one day they will humiliate, and leave you, and you might as well isolate yourself from them now, rather than get your heart broken later. This, in my non scientifically backed up in anyway opinion, is why so many people suffering from these conditions consider, or worse commit, suicide.
When I am at my best, I am sure that my friends and family love me. It is like we are tied together by an iron cord. But it is when I am at my worst, I go through all of these feelings of loneliness. Sometimes I felt like the only thing connecting me to the people I love is a thin and fragile string. So breakable and flimsy that it could break with the slightest breeze.
All I can do during these times is clutch the strings. They are literally my life lines, connecting me to every reason I have to keep going. I tie the strings to as many reasons as I can find. My friends, my family, the soccer game I promised my sister I would go see, the movie I told my nephew we would see together, my cat who would not understand why I am not there anymore if I was gone.
I think of the cousin who drove two hours to make sure I was alright, and the friend who held me while I cried for over an hour. And all together, my handful of strings becomes strong. An iron cord tying me to this place.
So long as I have a single string, I have a reason to keep fighting. Even if I feel alone, I will fight for my strings. They keep me going. They give me hope.
What do you do when you have no idea where your life is going?
If you have the answer, let me know.